Keep Cool My Babies.

Is This Real Life?

I’m not even on hallucinogens being videotaped by my exploitive father and I am still asking myself, “Is this real life?”

I mean, this line up—seriously? Not only is Conan going to be back on the air where he belongs (correction: he belongs right here next to me, doing the String Dance while I run my fingers through his voluminous head of ginger hair), but he will also have this line up on his first week back. Unbelievable:

• Monday, Nov. 8 – First Guest Poll winner, Seth Rogen and musical guest Jack White

• Tuesday, Nov. 9 – Tom Hanks, Jack McBrayer and musical guest Soundgarden

• Wednesday, Nov. 10 – Jon Hamm, Charlyne Yi and musical guest Fistful of Mercy

• Thursday, Nov. 11 – Michael Cera, Julie Bowen and comedian Jon Dore

Okay, first things first.

There is apparently some sort of poll to decide who the first guest will be. If it were up to me, we would all sit and stare at Conan for that ten minute period. But unfortunately TBS had other ideas and the winner will be revealed on the show. Next there’s Seth Rogen. Seth wouldn’t be the first person that comes to mind when thinking “PREMIERE GUEST SPOT,” but I guess he will forever be cool because he impregnated Katherine Heigl and smoked shrooms with Paul Rudd. (Speaking of people whose hair I need to run my fingers through…I love Paul Rudd. I fell in love during the staircase scene in Clueless and kept on falling with every Friends episode.) Sometimes I feel like Seth tries too hard during interviews and is always yelling at me arbitrarily, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be too enraptured by Conan’s albino skin and all around sheer aura to let the likes of Rogen get me down.

Tom Hanks is a logical choice for a second day guest because, really, who doesn’t like Tom Hanks? I like Tom Hanks … but I like his son even better. I fell in love with Colin Hanks the first time I laid eyes on him in Orange County. (I realize I have already thrown around the “L” word several times within the context of this post; you should know this is only going to escalate as I continue.) He is just the right amount of geeky and endearing and smart and cute and ohmygosh, MTV productions should be ashamed of themselves for leading us naïve females to believe such a combination really exists. But I will have no time to mourn the non-existence of Shaun Brumder, because Jack McBrayer will be out on the stage next and I will start the love-fest all over again.

I love Jack in a much different way than I love Colin, but the love is still there nonetheless. Jack occupies a special place in my heart because he essentially got his start playing a page on Conan’s show. Anyone with any sort of Conan interaction is destined for greatness, and Jack is no exception—his character on 30 Rock is highly entertaining. (Tracy Morgan’s indecipherable outbursts steal the show every time though, in my opinion. How does he even talk like that? He could say “mass puppy genocide” and it would still be funny.)

And Jon Hamm. Jonnnnn Hamm. I’m going to save everyone time here and avoid the most obvious commentary for this fine specimen of a man. I will admit there was a brief period of time where I faltered in my adoration once I learned what a man-whore he was on Mad Men. But then I calmly talked myself down and reminded myself that man-whores need love too, and I ended up feeling guilty for passing judgment on Don and his obscure past! He’s slick. See how he did that there? You gotta watch them; those man-whores turn it back around on you. Every. Time.

Um, I don’t know who Charlyne Yi is. Should I? This is the one glitch in the whole “best line up in the history of line ups” schtick. I will do some research and get back to you on that one.

Okay, we are doing Julie Bowen now because I am not mentally and physically prepared to expound on Michael just yet. (Just typing his name makes me sweat. Not in a gross way, just like, in a hot way. Like, he’s so hot that he makes it feel like the temperature of the room is rising… like, in a sexy way… not…gross…yeah.) I like Julie because I like Modern Family, and I like Modern Family because I like Ty Burrell (Phil). Phil is hot, and he is a dad, which makes him a Hot Dad, which makes him a rare, desired commodity, which makes me tune into ABC every Wednesday even though I cannot deal with Sarah Hyland (Haley). CAN. NOT. (I saw pictures of her 19-year-old self frolicking around in the ocean in Hawaii with her famous boyfriend without a care in the world and I decided right then that she would be added to the list of public figures I would work hard to actively shun.) But I suffer through it all for Phil.

Okay, everyone. As excited as I am about Michael Cera being on the show, I am also a bit nervous; I am genuinely concerned about what will happen to my television set with both Conan and Michael on it together, simultaneously, sharing a screen shot. Spontaneous combustion is almost inevitable. (I felt the same way when Martha Stewart was on Oprah the other day, but for very different reasons. Martha Stewart on the Oprah show?? That’s like putting a donut on a cheeseburger (…or something). Such huge, all-pervading powerhouses together on one screen almost blew my mind, and I kept thinking it was only a matter of time before it would blow my TV out, too.)

Anyway, aside from the very obvious and palpable danger, I am still unspeakably ecstatic about this pairing. Both are great on their own, but combined? Can you even imagine the magic that will happen on that stage that night?

No. The answer is no, you cannot. None of us can, because we are all but mere mortals. Mere mortals just living in Conan’s world.

You don’t have plans on November 8th at 10 pm. If you do, you’re wrong. (PS- The new band will be called “The Basic Cable Band.” Genius.)

*Update: I now know who Charlyne Yi is. I wish I didn’t, but I do. Charlyne is the rumored love interest of Michael Cera. Nothing more will be said of her, as I choose to focus on other more worthy guests who don’t make a habit of stealing other people’s future potential lovers.

We will all finally be able to hear those four beautiful words again: "Keep cool my babies."

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